Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

You don’t even know

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

Merry Christmas

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

grandparents are too precious for this world

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.