Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

SONOFA

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

never ask a starfish for directions