I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
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That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
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I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Can’t. About to go please some beans
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Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.