I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
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I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Jogging
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Mmmm canned fish.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now