I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
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When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
As a doctor, I can confirm
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks