Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

Did I do this right

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice