I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
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*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
The Joker was right
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.