I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
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I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
A new level of troll.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
