Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’