I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
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Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.