I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
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Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.