I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
You Might Also Like
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Breaking news:
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”