Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

Okay this one takes it home

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

If I ignore life will it go away?

Just why bro?!

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?