I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
You Might Also Like
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.