Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

My apartment is a mess, I should move

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?