Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

I have a new favorite meme page

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

it is time once again

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.