Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.