I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
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They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Y’all know who you are.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?