Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

We cut our bangs at dawn.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament