I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
You Might Also Like
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Most Common Source of Electricity
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*