I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
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my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Hank is one in a melon.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century