I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
You Might Also Like
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I am all good here, 😂😉
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.