Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

dead inside

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”