Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

Can Happiness buy money?

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

Twitter is the new flypaper.

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

seems like a niche market

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1