I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
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Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall