I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
You Might Also Like
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Huge if true.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
What personal space?
My dog
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.