Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

Me: Am I in trouble?

Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]

Me: Oh no.

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

Sounds like a bargain

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda