I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
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Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
🙋♀️
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir