I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
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*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”