Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never ask a starfish for directions

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.