I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
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Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.