Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

Teacher: Name the continents

Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…

T: Go on

Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?

T: *sigh*

Me: South Arctica?

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.