@bvinson23

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

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@DeadLioness

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

@curlycomedy

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

@Playing_Dad

Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl?
Government: Sorry, no
Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets?
G: Lol, of course

@TheBoydP

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

@YSylon

Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]

Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING

@sannewman

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

@HatfieldAnne

It’s time this new baby of yours pulled her weight around here. She’s been freeloading for what? two weeks now?

@ericsshadow

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

@briangaar

The cashier at the grocery store just gave me an “I’m cooler than you” look. Dude I will fight you with this baby strapped to me

@lasergirl70

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.