I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
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My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
i think we should see other cousins
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.