@bvinson23

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

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@comer310

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

@TheTobbie

On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said ‘when are you due?’ This is why we are here…

@Parentpains

The only standards I have in life are about the quality of alcohol I consume, and even that gets sketchy after about 5 drinks.

@mellimelle

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

@T_N_Crumpets

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

@ScottLinnen

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

@turbomanatee

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

@TheCatWhisprer

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

@ObscureGent

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

@TheRolo

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.