I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

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There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.


Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.


Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl?
Government: Sorry, no
Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets?
G: Lol, of course


If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.


Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]



Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.


It’s time this new baby of yours pulled her weight around here. She’s been freeloading for what? two weeks now?


Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”


The cashier at the grocery store just gave me an “I’m cooler than you” look. Dude I will fight you with this baby strapped to me


The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.