I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

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Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!


On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said ‘when are you due?’ This is why we are here…


The only standards I have in life are about the quality of alcohol I consume, and even that gets sketchy after about 5 drinks.


Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.


Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]


Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.


I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.


I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.


Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.


In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.