I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
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I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together