I ate everything, including the H.
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Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
God has abandoned us.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂