I ate everything, including the H.
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[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.