I ate everything, including the H.
You Might Also Like
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider