I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
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I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.