I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
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Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.