I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
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I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
You know I’m something of a chef myself
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
grotesque if literal: baby food
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo