Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

Ok, but like, how married are you?

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

Nothing.

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?