I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
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I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
This billboard speaks to me
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.