I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
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Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Finally a use for spoilers…
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
