I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
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surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce