I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
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Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Meow
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
john wicks are toilet candles
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.