I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
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*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Whisper out to librarians!
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Said the murderer.
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I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Van Gone
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Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.