I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
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We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Something Saturday.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel