I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
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If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
the council will decide your fate
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.