I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
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Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Today I’m going to give it my almost
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?