I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
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to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
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A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm