“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
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Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.