“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
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Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.