I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
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set yourself free xox
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
how long have you had this for?
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Me buying fruit and veg
i hate you platonically
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.