I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
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My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
Hmm, not sure about this change
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
shakira sharkira
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
How to draw a duck
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.