Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

set yourself free xox

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women