Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope this email finds you in a well

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

What a website

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.

Take care of yourself, ladies

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”