Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.