I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
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Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–