I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
#NoRestForTheWicked
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit