I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
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Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
🏙👨🏼
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot