Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

me when somebody idk start touching me

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types