Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

We need it on priority

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.