Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

Now colored!

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

How it started How it’s going

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.