I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
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This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Canada has crack?
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.