I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
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Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Solving a traffic jam
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.