I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
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Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
me hooking up with my ex
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
me 2 months after i graduated
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Bootstraps
