I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
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ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
