Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”