I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
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If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
weaknesses
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”