Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…

Well, toucan play at that game.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.