I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
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My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
*lint rolls you awake*
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.