Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics