Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

Hot hot hot 🥵

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.