I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
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I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*