I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
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Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!