I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
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Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I only treason on days ending in y
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins